I left this blog untitled as I'm still undecided on what this post will be focused on. I opened the laptop and started typing to find some sort of release from a REALLY TOUGH DAY. A cyber therapeutic session, if you will. This "day" has actually been a drawn out, draining week that is seeming to never end. Right when I thought things were going good with Ava, everything just turns upside down and it's back to square one. Ava has been exceptionally fussy these past few days and I've been quick to lose my patience recently. All the go-to things I've done before just doesn't seem to work anymore. The confidence I once had is now gone and I'm desperate for some relief. Anything.

I'm currently sitting in our living room watching the Presidential News Conference on the Health Care Reform and Economy while Ava is sleeping quietly on the floor beside me. This has NOT been the norm the past couple of days, as she's been absolutely unappeasable. Concurrent to writing this blog, I'm scanning the fussybaby.com website for some sort of magic nugget of wisdom to help me get through this "day". I'm not normally the type of person that goes to the my-baby-is-fussy-so-I'll-go-to-the-fussybaby.com-website, but that's how desperate I am.

The norm has been a beet red Ava screaming at the top of her lungs, eyes squinched shut, bucking and thrasing around crazed animal. I'll quickly go through my mental checklist of things that she likes - bouncing her in the chair, carrying her, kissing her cheeks, laying her on the floor on her back/tummy, rocking, eating, dancing around like a maniac, swinging - alternating each scenario with and without music so I can sense if she's bored or tired. NOTHING works. I even called her Pediatrician to see if she had an ear infection or a budding tooth, but again, nothing. I've been a horror to be around (lack of sleep+being with fussy baby ALL DAY ALONE= scary Liane), and exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. And so I hold her while she's crying and thrasing, and cry too.

The hardest part in all of this is the self administered guilt I can't seem to escape. I feel bad for letting Ava to cry-it-out when I feel like I should know how to make her happy. I am the mother, right? Or during these fits how I imagine that going back to work would have been such an easier option (yeah, let her freak out at daycare on someone else's watch!). Or how I feel like I've somehow failed because I can't keep a little ol' baby content and keep up with the housework and cooking, since that's all I'm "supposed" to do. Example - last night Kent ate a few pieces of cold tofu for his dinner because I didn't cook anything.

The intent of this blog was to document my journey through motherhood and it wouldn't be real if I weren't honest, right? Since, the greatest lessons I've learned in life have been through other people's honesty, I figure it's my turn now.

Yesterday was tough, and today has been tougher. I know this can't last forever and it'll pass, but I am having a hard time right now.