The Great Weight Debate

So, I was walking past our hall mirror this morning when I thought to myself (in all modesty) "lookin' good mama". My arms have gotten fairly toned since I'm usually lugging around a 14 pound baby all day long and I'm finally feeling somewhat good about myself post partum. Not to mention the little bit of sun I got last weekend that helped with the illusion of a slightly slimmer me. Oh, and did I mention that I am now only ten pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight?!

With my chest puffed out a little and my ego slightly inflated, I did it. I walked into the closet with the full length body mirror and took a quick gander at myself.

BIG MISTAKE.

Let's just say I saw flashes of white, flaps, jelly-ish movement, rolls, and ripples. RIPPLES, people. Just last summer, I was frolicking around in a two piece bathing suit eagerly waiting to show off my preggo belly. And now....THIS.

I must also mention that the mirror that I initially looked into is a hall mirror that is positioned for neck up...a face mirror to check your hair on the way out. Not a freaking full length body mirror that reveals the tiniest of flaws. So yeah, it's totally my fault for getting all excited over a skinny neck and non-flabby white arms. I seriously believe that if high school girls could just take a look at a naked, post-partum woman, we could cut the teen pregnancy rate in half. It's with this sad, sad image that I finally accept the unfortunate truth that pregnancy really does change your body forever. FOR. EV. ER.

Yes, the breastfeeding helps to drop a few pounds, but DO NOT rely on it as the cure-all miracle for weight loss. You will have to watch what you eat (sorry) and also start the painful routine of exercise (I know, I know). But,on the bright side, at least you'll have a permanent work out partner with the baby, right?

So for all you women who have recently given birth and are ready to face the day of standing naked in front of the mirror, sucking in your breath to assess the damage inflicted on your body by ten months of pregnancy - please, to preserve all that is good and holy, down a couple of heavy narcotics that you have laying around after delivery before you do this.

But to assess my own damage - because who cares what the numbers on the scale say, I just want to effin' fit back into my old designer jeans!! - I dared to unearth the box of my pre-pregnancy clothing that I relinquished in favor of a maternity wardrobe. It was absolutely marvelous...just like Christmas! Skirts! Slacks! Sundresses! And those beautiful sizes! Six! Four! Two..!

I eagerly shimmied my favorite designer jeans up my legs. Or at least PART of the way up my legs. And, with all the strength I could muster combined with the sweet grace of God, I somehow managed to pull them all the way up AND button them (even if the button and the button hole were a good six inches a part). I mean, I have the MOTHER of all muffin tops, but I don't care...I BUTTONED MY PRE-PREGNANCY JEANS PEOPLE. Time to celebrate and pop the bubbly...or rather a diet Coke for me.

Now, I would never in a million years go in public with these babies on, but I will, stroll around the house today and do a couple loads of laundry with them on because it feels so good to be back to 'me old self'. Even if it means I can barely breathe and my legs are going numb from the lack of circulation.

And for those of you who think this won't be you...guess again. A funny thing happens when you’re pregnant. When you look in the mirror you see only a beautiful, giant belly, right? What you fail to see is that your boobs are giant, your arms are like sausages, your ankles have morphed into cankles, and your ass is in application for another zip code. So when that giant belly suddenly disappears (leaving in its wake God knows what), you suddenly see all the other places you’ve gained weight.

Thus is the journey in becoming a mother. Welcome homeslices!