Fire in the Hole!

Pregnancy has finally reared its ugly head and thy name is Heartburn. After easily breezing through the first and second trimester with no problems whatsoever, my official welcome into the third trimester has been a fanfare of burning pain in my chest, liquid acid burps, and the urge to uncontrollably purse my lips like Shaneyney from that 90’s sketch comedy show, In Living Color. To deal with this “challenge” (as I like to positively address any negative issues), I made a call to my doctor to ask permission to take an over-the-counter antacid like Tums or Pepto Bismol. Rather than a quick yes/no answer, I was told by the kind lady that answered the phone that I would get a call back from a triage nurse in 3-4 hours. WTF…THREE TO FOUR HOURS?! Not to sound like a selfish, egocentric person but WHY in God’s name would it take them three to fours hours to get back to me? Don’t they know that the insane burning inside my chest is taunting me enough to make me want to do very bad things to the people around me at work?! I feel like a spurt of fire will explode from my mouth even if I open it a crack to talk to someone or answer a question. Call me crazy, but I think the doctors and nurses are in cahoots to try and toughen up all the pregnant women that call in with their petty heartburn-ish questions to prep them for the real pain of labor by making them wait and “deal” with whatever issue they’re having. You know, the whole “walk it off” theory. I’m pretty sure by the time I get a call back from the nurse for the green light to take a couple of Tums, a few chest hairs will have sprouted as a badge of showmanship and willpower to have managed such physical pain. And trust me, I ain’t no wimp, this heartburn stuff is serious business…it hurts like a mofo!

2-3 hours later…

A nurse calls me back to address my heartburn question, only to suggest homeopathic methods I should try first before ingesting any “medication” (like Tums is really a medication!). Her suggestions of raw almonds, bananas, or “fresh mineral water” were all very sweet and nice, but COME ON, I’m sitting at my desk at work with liquid fire churning in my lungs….where the hell am I supposed to get raw almonds, bananas, or fresh mineral water!!!! Oh, and since THAT wouldn’t work, her alternate suggestion was that I lie on my left side and take deep cleansing breathes to help push the acid down. This is AFTER I had told her that I was AT WORK and probably unable (surprise!) to find a suitable place to lie down gently on my left side to take deep cleansing breathes. I mean seriously, what kind of people are they staffing at this hospital?




So, rather than flip out and go preg-zilla on her, I calmly asked her again if I am able to take an antacid like Tums, Mylanta, or Maalox to get rid of the pain ASAP. I think she felt the inner crazy in me straining to get out and threaten her with her life, that she quietly said yes I could take the Tums and asked if I needed help with anything else before quickly hanging up the phone. Needless to say, although I was really pissed off upset at how they handled such a simple question, I think I handled it very well. Knowing how confrontational I can be in distressing situations, I was exceptionally proud that I kept my cool and didn’t in fact threaten her with her life or maniacally drive down to the hospital to give her an intimate tête-à-tête that may or may not have involved me opening my mouth and unleashing a reign of “fire” on her.

Moral of the story: don’t dangle the figurative “carrot” in front of a pregnant woman in pain. EVER. Just do what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants. It’s the best way to ensure that you’ll retain all ten fingers and toes at the end of the day.

UPDATE: I had mild heartburn today that gave me enough time (and therefore clear thought and sanity) to try some of the nurse’s more passive approach to alleviating the pain. I ate a handful of raw almonds and TA-DA…the heartburn went away within 5-10 minutes! Now I feel bad that I scared her a little with my bullying over the phone with the Tums ordeal. At least it made for a good blog, right? :)