Oldie, but Goodie

For those readers that do not know, I typically write out my blog posts in a Word document when the spirit moves me, and post them when I have time to play on the internet. That said, I just recently came across an old blog post I never got around to posting. Re-reading it cracked me up and solidified my stance that I can be somewhat of a sacastic biyatch at times. *Smile*

It seemed such a waste to let this post go, so let me share my 'Oldie, but Goodie' with you. It still applies, actually, so it's not that much of a far stretch from the truth!

The Mom Diet:

Being a woman can be difficult and confusing. I remember a group of guys in undergrad that once stated that the ideal woman is best described as a contradiction, neither here nor there. Supposedly, the ideal woman is: strong and sensible, yet weak and vulnerable; independent and on their own, yet dependent and reliant on their significant other; athletic and tough, yet feminine and soft; have business savvy and financial sense, yet allows a man to take care of them; open and direct, yet demur and passive; be everything and nothing all at once. So, as you can see, being a woman is hard work. Really hard work.

Now imagine the stress and anxiety of adding yet another title under the belt. One that trumps the Woman hand, has no “textbook” definition of what it should encompass, and is an ever-changing role that finely blends the responsibility and duties of a lot of other complicated roles. I’m talking about the ever elusive, always over used cliche of being a M.O.M.

Being a woman can actually have a set schedule, much like a 9 to 5 job. After hours, you can fart, grunt, burp, dig your nose, or even (heaven forbid) use the bathroom with the door open. You can, essentially, “clock out” and not “be” a woman if you wanted to. But being a Mom, on the other hand, is never-ending (whether it’s to your baby or husband…). This means no breaks, no time outs, no “me” time. And in all honesty, that’s not always a bad thing. The bad thing, like anything else, is when there is no moderation and everything is in excess. I firmly believe that being a Mom also falls into this category, along with other popular things such as salt, sugar, sun, alcohol, exercise, etc. Which is why, for all that is good and holy, I am going on a Mom Diet.

I’m referring to the diet in more of a figurative sense than a literal one. I want to be a lean, mean, moderate mommy machine and trim the proverbial fat off because, let’s face it, being a mom is one half of a whole. The whole being a parenting unit, which also means there are fricken TWO of us. And when I say two, I’m not referring to my left and right hands. Lemme break it down for you…

Mom Diet Vow #1: Stop taking all the responsibility and pressure to do everything for the baby. Dad has arms, legs, and nipples too. He can be the one to take important pictures on family outings for the scrapbook/photo album and also let the baby suckle a little on their nipples if they insist that they’re that hungry. I mean, can a baby really starve if they wait a couple seconds to eat?

Mom Diet Vow #2: Allow Dad to research, purchase, READ and BOOKMARK/HIGHLIGHT important facts in baby rearing books. This is not limited to subjects such as: information on pregnancy, baby developmental milestones, what to feed baby, breastfeeding tips and tricks, etc.

Mom Diet Vow #3: Let Dad research, haggle (because you NEVER pay full price and ALWAYS shop used), and purchase toys and other baby necessities. Craigslist, community consignment shops, and even Babies R Us WITH COUPONS are a great start….FYI.

Mom Diet Vow #4: Let Dad take a stab at doing the dishes, just for fun. Hey, if there are dried pieces of food stuck on the fork or watermarks on the spoon, no biggie right? Chinese restaurants have faux pas like this all the time so why not have a little extra somethin’ somethin’ with the meal. We’ll think of it as sort of an appetizer…

Mom Diet Vow #5: Change cars with Dad and let him drive around the baby-mobile for once and let mom take a spin around town with the luxuries of A/C, tint, and a remote control truck release in the daddy car.

Mom Diet Vow #6: Have no shame or guilt for having that extra serving of vegetables or glass of milk, because really, it’s ALL YOUR FAULT that the baby is a little gassy (this is for all you breast feeding moms).

Mom Diet Vow #7: Not get on Dad’s case when he “does one thing and screws up the other”. Cases in point – taking out the trash and forgetting to put in a new liner (or better yet, forgetting to bring IN the trash receptacles FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND), loading the dishwasher and forgetting to turn it on, getting the mail (which, of course, includes bills) and forgetfully stashing it away on the corner table that no one EVER uses. EVER.

Mom Diet Vow #8: To keep calm and not be bitchy that dad “accidentally” faced the fan to blow directly on him, and on him alone, on an unusually hot ass summer night. A night where you, as the mother, had to nurse his child in sticky, sweaty, hell in the middle of the night for a 3am feeding.

Mom Diet Vow #9: Not pressure or hen peck (as men would like to call it) the dads into helping write cards for thank you’s, birthdays, weddings, etc. Or even, Lord have Mercy, help shop and pick out the presents for these events.

Mom Diet Vow #10: Let Dad do the baby’s laundry, including folding and putting everything away. And, not going postal when “folding and putting it away” really means rolling all the clean onsies into a ball and placing it everso gently in the corner, because why waste the time to fold them when you have to change the baby so many times??!

With 10 incredible diet resolutions stated, I feel 10 pounds lighter already. Man, I should start a mommy cult and start recruiting people…any takers?